CHRIS ARVIDSON
www.chrisarvidson.com

No, I don’t want to hold your baby. Really. I don’t. No kidding. I’m not fascinated, enthralled, or even remotely interested in your baby.

And guess what, I’m not alone. Here’s the truth, baby worshipers: shocking as it may seem, not every woman loves babies. Get it? Every woman does not want to hold your baby. To many of us, try as we might to hide it, even though we are punished for thinking it, babies are just smelly blobs who don’t really do much but eat, poop, and cry.

You can see what’s going through peoples’ minds when you say it. No, I don’t want to hold your baby. Watch them. No matter how polite you try to be, there’s always a long pause. And, then you get “the look.” It comes from the mom, sure, but it also comes from everyone else within earshot. It’s the look that says, “What the hell is wrong with you?” Everyone loves babies; at least all women love babies. It’s a given, a truth, a positively written-in-stone fact.

So, you might just as well be prepared. You know when the baby people are going to show up. You know when you’re going to be expected to gush over that bundled up thing in a blanket, when you’re supposed to pet, to coo.

You know when someone is going to bring a baby to work. The occasion is like an official state visit; there’s an announcement, preparation, breathless anticipation. You know when the relatives will all be bringing theirs to a family gathering. The phone lines will be burning up between the baby people. “Louise is bringing the baby to Grandma’s birthday party,” someone will say, with all the ceremony of a treaty signing. Well, call out the National Guard why don’t they?

Yes, you always know when that baby is going to be the main attraction, the center of the known universe, and you are going to be expected to join in and “awwwww” with everyone else there. Well, with all the other women present anyway.

I’m not sure where along the line I fell off the baby track, but I can’t remember ever thinking having a baby would be a great idea; I don’t even recall thinking it would be a good idea. I don’t remember any primal urges to give birth, a grand ambition to raise children, or even one moment wistfully picturing myself holding an infant.

Did having a baby always just look like one big chore or job to me? Did the smell just get to me early on? Maybe I was just a contrary kid in general, resisting where I could the I-want-to-be-a-mommy-when-I-grow-up way of looking at my future. I wasn’t particularly enamored with baby dolls; I didn’t give a rip about having a play kitchen or a play stroller or a pretend crib.

It’s not that I don’t like children in general. I rather enjoy them, in fact. I’m interested in their take on the world, how they see what’s going on around them. I enjoy having conversations with them. Really. And kids usually like me back. My nieces think I’m the bomb and they always have. But, the truth is, I was never much interested in the baby part of their growing up. Before they could talk, go to the bathroom themselves, and really interact with others, I guess I found them, just as I would anyone else’s babies, pretty boring.

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The thing is, guys can, with aplomb, head for the room with the football game on TV, pick up a newspaper, make a suddenly important trip to the store, the den, the basement, garage, or even take an extended stay in the bathroom in a pinch. Not only is it acceptable behavior for a man to avoid baby-holding, in some circles, it’s even encouraged. It’s a bit macho, isn’t it, for a man to maintain a safe distance from babies? Big strong guy might hurt the little baby, forget to hold the floppy head up, or even drop it. Men are such silly incompetent dears sometimes, aren’t they? Big strong studs that they are.

Let’s face it, we live in a world where men can safely and permanently avoid the primary care for even their own babies and be held in just fine regard by their friends, co-workers, family, and peers. For men, diaper changing, spit-up wiping, and burping are still optional activities. When they do pitch in, they expect, and generally receive, extra points for doing so.

Think about it. A guy takes care of his own baby for an afternoon so mom can go out, probably shopping for baby stuff, and people will say things like, “Wow, isn’t Bob a great father? He’s really into the whole children thing.” Or, “Isn’t Glen a devoted dad, he takes care of his kids every weekend for a whole day.” All because the dope manages to take care of his own kid for an entire Saturday without having to go to the emergency room or call his mother. Whoop-de-doo. Get them all a medal, why don’t we? It is not, however, perfectly fine for a woman to opt out of the job as primary caretaker of the baby. It is simply not done. Not only will you immediately be kicked out of the mommy club, you’ll be branded a deficient woman, a weirdo; there’d be much tsking, clucking, and head-shaking involved.

We women are expected to be endlessly fascinated with the whole baby process. To show no interest in baby is to earn a label such as cold, selfish, heartless, unfeeling, barren, pathetic, mean. Or sometimes it’s just plain “bitch.” People who regard themselves as kind-hearted may even feel sorry for you, assuming you probably can’t have children of your own for some medical reason because, if you could, you obviously would, right? The righteous may figure holding a baby would make you feel sad, long for babies of your own, or perhaps that you even avoid babies to escape feelings of loss or inadequacy.

When someone brings a baby to your office, to church, to a family gathering, do all the women drop everything they’re doing and rush the baby? Do they instantly begin to talk baby talk? Now think again, a bit harder this time. Is there a woman who keeps talking on the phone? Is there a woman who hangs back, disappears into the bathroom, suddenly remembers an appointment? What do you think about her? Do you find her suspect? Think she’s strange? Did you ever even notice such a woman? Sure, there are guys who are oblivious, but you wouldn’t even notice their behavior.

Don’t you just luuoovvve babies, aren’t they sweet as pie, don’t you just want to grab that baby and hug it and gush googie googie? Oh, save me, please.

No, I really don’t want to hold your baby.